


Supernatural Crack Fic: What Definitely Never Happened

by SkyboundSparrow



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen, No Plot/Plotless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 16:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3575958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyboundSparrow/pseuds/SkyboundSparrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this is a bunch of unrelated pieces of crack fiction that happened. I am so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So all of this is based of off the fic in-progress of The Winchesters That Never Were. It's based off of that same universe where Dean never gets Sam from Stanford, and does delve a bit into the future of that work that hasn't been posted at the time I'm writing this. You have been warned. However, you don't need to read that to get this. Enjoy.

Sam pulled on his ballerina slippers and pranced through the hospital’s hallways. “I am a pretty pretty princess!” he said in a sing-song voice. One of his slippers flew off in a pirouette and he suddenly stopped, dejected. “I lost my shoe.” His lip curled down ever so slightly in that puppy dog face he always did.

 

* * *

 

It was some night. Sam was drunk. He was talking to Ruby, his demon lover. “You know what would be really funny?”

“Nothing’s funnier than seeing you drunk.”

“What if me and my brother actually got along and we like” -Sam let out a loud drunken burp- “actually _wanted_ to stop the apocalypse or something? And you know, that angel, Cassiel or Castiel or whatever, I bet they’re a thing. Have you _seen_ the way they look at each other? I mean, I can tell something’s up and I don’t really even see them, but that eye chemistry, man, you know?”

“Sam. You’re drunk. I’m taking you home,” Ruby replied, getting up. She lifted Sam up by the arm and led him out of the bar, stumbling.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sam! Yo, man, wassup?” Dean said, drawing his brother into a friendly bro hug.

“It’s been a while,” Sam replied, returning Dean’s friendly affections.

“Yeah, man, you’ve been busy being the King of Hell and leading that army of demons against the agents of Heaven,” Dean said.

“You’ve been pretty busy yourself, Righteous Man. Working with Heaven, trying to stop me from raising Lucifer. How are you and… Cassiel?” Sam asked tentatively.

“Castiel,” Dean corrected. “And I don’t know what you’ve heard, but we are not together, man. We just battle your demon army and try to stop those seals from breaking. Come on, let’s go grab a beer and a burger or somethin’. I’m starving.”

They walked into the burger joint they had agreed to meet up at. Even though they were mortal enemies at the moment, they were still brothers, family. Sometimes you just had to put all that crap aside and take a day.

“Alright, man, whatever you say, but there’s a ton of talk about you two,” Sam said, sliding into a booth.

Dean took the seat across from his brother. “No, just no. It’s not like that. He’s my connection to Heaven.”

“If you say so,” Sam replied, smiling knowingly.

“Hey, you should talk. You got that Ruby chick.”

“But I’m not in denial.”

“Don’t make me gank you right here and now.”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, so get this,” Sam was saying, “I had this crazy dream where it was you and me and Cas and we called ourselves Team Free Will. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing ever?”

Dean took a long swig from his beer. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

“You wanna hear the craziest part?”

“Lay it on me, Sammy.”

“You and I actually talked. On a daily basis. And we drove around cross country in the Impala and followed that old creed Dad used to tell us.”

“‘Saving people, hunting things, the family business’?”

“Yeah, that one.”

There was a silence before the brothers started laughing.

“You have the craziest dreams, Sammy.”

 


	2. The Angel Break Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is an angel break room in Heaven... and shenanigans ensue.

Dean sat in the angel break room, feet up on the table, reading the day's newspaper when Zachariah walked in.

"Hey Dean-O," Zachariah greeted. "What'cha reading there?"

Dean didn't even glance away from the article he was reading. "The newspaper. The human one. The angel version bores the hell outta me, no offense. You people don't even have comics for crying out loud."

"Don't you have somewhere to be?"

Dean glanced at his wristwatch. "Not for another hour at least. Cas decided that since I couldn't take orders from Uriel, I should just go away."

"And so you came here?"

"Cas did that thing with his fingers and poofed me here. Entirely non consensual, by the way. You should tell him that if he needed a yes to be in that poor bastard he's wearing, then he needs permission to poof this one somewhere too." Dean turned a page on his newspaper. "Hey, can you poof me a beer or something or do you only have coffee in this place?"

 

* * *

 

Dean looked through the cabinets in the break room. “Anna, we need sweets. Like a bunch of sweets. Cake and pie and we need to get some burgers.”

Anna spread out the tablecloth, smoothing it out. “I can arrange that.”

When Dean turned around, there were all of the things he listed and more on the table. “Sweet.” He reached for a piece of pie, but Anna swatted his hand away. “So he’s not supposed to be here for at least another hour or so.”

“Heaven hours or Earth hours?”

Dean froze. “There’s a difference?”

“I’m just kidding, Dean.” Anna looked around the plain room. “Okay, so if I remember, we also need streamers and a banner.”

“And confetti. We gotta do this parade style.” Dean blinked and suddenly the room was decorated again. “Nice. Could you guys like lend me some of your angel mojo or is that a no-no?” Anna gave him a look. “Alright, that’s a no.”

“Anything else?” Anna asked, admiring her handiwork.

“Nah, I think that’s it. Now we just gotta call the rest of the God Squad.”

~

Fifty minutes later and they were all gathered in the angel break room. Zachariah was there, who when he had arrived looked slightly peeved, but was now relaxing a little bit. Uriel looked as though he was at a funeral. Dean was surprised he even came. Other angels, Inias and Samandriel, were there as well as this British angel Balthazar who looked quite too eager to get his hands on some whiskey. And, of course, Anna and Dean were there too.

“Okay, here’s the gameplan.” Dean said, “We all sit here in the dark behind the table until he walks in. When he does, we jump out at him and yell ‘Happy Birthday.’ Got it?”

Uriel frowned. “This is a waste of all of our time.”

“You’re doing it. Now shut your face and go hide,” Dean replied.

Uriel looked at Zachariah for help, but Zachariah just shrugged and said, “Humor him. Maybe he’ll be a lot less trouble.”

“I doubt it,” Uriel grumbled, but he did as Zachariah told him.

The angels plus Dean waited another few minutes behind the table in the dark before Castiel walked in. The lights went on and they all jumped up and yelled, “Happy Birthday!” with the most enthusiastic being Balthazar, Samandriel, Anna and Dean with Zachariah and Inias being more of a spoken thing, and Uriel coming in dead last with his pathetic grumble.

Cas looked at the group with wide eyes. “What is this?”

Dean’s hands made a sweeping gesture. “It’s your birthday party, Cas!”

“Dean, this is the break room.”

“Not today it’s not. Today it’s the party room.” Dean reached back to grab a beer and held it out to Castiel.

“I do not have a birthday.”

Dean held onto the beer with one hand and put the other around Cas. “I’m sure even angels have a birthday. Look we even got you a cake.” He pointed out a large chocolate cake on the table, three candles sticking out of it. The words ‘Happy Birthday’ were written out in blue icing. “Usually we put candles on the cake for each year you’ve been alive, but something tells me there wouldn’t be enough room on the cake. So we just left it at three.”

“I am roughly five-”

Dean cut him off. “Your age is completely your secret. Now let’s enjoy the party, Cas.”

“I do not do parties, Dean.”

“You do today.”

 


End file.
